So I've felt kind of depressed for a few months and I'm good at pushing it to the back of my mind until something small brings it to the surface and makes me look like a psycho in front of strangers. This has happened more than once.
I really encourage any suggestions anyone has cause I know I can't be the only one with these awful thoughts, and I just want a therapist to be the last last last last option, cause I'm just not on that.
So tonight, I went out with friends and every time I tried to use my camera, my iPhone says "cannot take photo, no storage space" or something like that. I deleted 136 pics and I still can't take a picture. I get to the car. I'm in the front seat, my best friend drove...another friend of mine is in the backseat and her friend is in the back with her who I don't know that well (stranger). Anyways, I'm fumbling with my phone, trying to fix it, then I just said out loud that if my brother got pulled over and Im in the car with him, I wouldn't be able to record it. I just started bawling as soon as I said it. What a weird thought to have? Now at this point, my bff is consoling me....all I'm thinking is that the girl in the backseat is gonna tell people that I'm a nut. Mind you, I haven't really had that much liquor.
What I'm getting at is that something has been going on with me that's affecting my psyche. I can't even think about Walter Scott. Every doctors appt, my blood pressure is high and I don't know what to tell them. I am on edge while driving through the city and I don't feel safe until I'm back home and close the door behind me. I hate red lights because they feel like a death trap. Then being at my job puts me in a negative head space. All day long I give out descriptions of suspicious black males. I leave work feeling dead inside sometimes.
Side note:
This happened a few days ago in Englewood. I always ask myself "damn what if I happened to be driving by." And it fucks with me.
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I know I need to talk to someone but I feel silly telling someone "hey, people keep getting killed in Chicago and police shootings are going on across the country... None of it is happening to me personally, but I'm here to tell you how it's affecting me." I'm not ready to do that. So that's where I am and I just wondered how do others protect their mind?
And how can I fix my iPhone, if you know.
I really encourage any suggestions anyone has cause I know I can't be the only one with these awful thoughts, and I just want a therapist to be the last last last last option, cause I'm just not on that.
So tonight, I went out with friends and every time I tried to use my camera, my iPhone says "cannot take photo, no storage space" or something like that. I deleted 136 pics and I still can't take a picture. I get to the car. I'm in the front seat, my best friend drove...another friend of mine is in the backseat and her friend is in the back with her who I don't know that well (stranger). Anyways, I'm fumbling with my phone, trying to fix it, then I just said out loud that if my brother got pulled over and Im in the car with him, I wouldn't be able to record it. I just started bawling as soon as I said it. What a weird thought to have? Now at this point, my bff is consoling me....all I'm thinking is that the girl in the backseat is gonna tell people that I'm a nut. Mind you, I haven't really had that much liquor.
What I'm getting at is that something has been going on with me that's affecting my psyche. I can't even think about Walter Scott. Every doctors appt, my blood pressure is high and I don't know what to tell them. I am on edge while driving through the city and I don't feel safe until I'm back home and close the door behind me. I hate red lights because they feel like a death trap. Then being at my job puts me in a negative head space. All day long I give out descriptions of suspicious black males. I leave work feeling dead inside sometimes.
Side note:
This happened a few days ago in Englewood. I always ask myself "damn what if I happened to be driving by." And it fucks with me.
I know I need to talk to someone but I feel silly telling someone "hey, people keep getting killed in Chicago and police shootings are going on across the country... None of it is happening to me personally, but I'm here to tell you how it's affecting me." I'm not ready to do that. So that's where I am and I just wondered how do others protect their mind?
And how can I fix my iPhone, if you know.